K2 Labs money pills are in Klinikal Mass Konsumption Test phase.
Product Release Date 23/08/24
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K2 Labs is a subsidiary of K2 Plant Hire Limited.
Information
KONSUMER TEST REPORTS
RELEASED
KONSUMER TEST REPORT 1:
PODKAST PODKAST PODKAST
Two blokes are sitting in a pub somewhere.
They listen to podcasts.
They used to listen to records.
They like to have opinions.
They have decided to start their own podcast.
They decide to call it PODKAST PODKAST PODKAST.
One of them takes out his phone and puts it on the table between their pints and switches it on to record their conversation...
Bloke One:
Nobody would give a shit about them today if they hadn’t burnt the money.
Bloke Two:
Yeah, but did they burn the money?
Bloke One:
That is beside the point, the legend of them burning or not burning the money exists.
Bloke Two:
So, what are you trying to say?
Bloke One:
What I am proposing is that them making these pills that, supposedly contain ground down dust from the brick they made from the ashes of their ‘million quid’, is a desperate attempt to commodify the legacy of them burning the money.
Bloke Two:
Or a conscious decision to destroy whatever legacy they might have had.
Bloke One:
Why the fuck would they want to destroy their legacy when they could be cashing in on it?
Bloke Two:
Because to attempt to destroy your legacy is a form of self-harm, and everybody loves an artist that does self-harm.
Bloke One:
What do you mean?
Bloke Two:
Like that self portrait by Van Gogh after he cut off his ear. Everybody loves that painting from my Nan to my daughter when she was in year five.
Bloke One:
So you saying that Van Gogh did it as PR stunt.
Bloke Two:
No but we are in different times now. Everybody is aware of how things will play out in the world of social media.
Bloke One:
I don’t think they are that savvy.
Bloke Two:
Maybe we should do a before and after podcast about these pills, see how it changes things for them in the legacy industry of old men that used to be in bands.
Bloke One:
Yeah, and this can be part of the PodKast One. But right now, I have to go and pickup my granddaughter from her preschool.
Bloke Two:
See you here next week.
And that is the transcribed dialogue of PodKast One. We have no idea if they will ever record part two, let alone upload it as a podcast called PODKAST PODKAST PODKAST. Like Bloke One says ‘Nobody would give a shit’.
KONSUMER TEST REPORT 2:
PARK BENCH RAVE
Act One:
Two old ravers sitting on a park bench...
The sun is beginning to set...
Ray:
I hear The KLF got back together.
Dave:
Bangin’ tunes?
Ray:
No, drug dealers.
Dave:
I could do with some E.
I’ve not done an all-night-er for over thirty years.
Ray:
Don’t know if they are Es.
Dave:
Why, have you tried some?
Ray:
No, but I bought some off The Merchants of Death.
He said something about...
Dave:
Let’s have a pop.
Ray:
Well The Merchants of Death made me buy two of these bottles.
One with Black Pills the other with White Pills.
It seems you have to choose which one to take.
Something about, that is what it is about.
Dave:
I say we take both.
Ray:
I say we take one of each and compare in the morning.
Dave:
Okay...
And without stopping Dave swallows the Black Pill.
And Ray swallows the White Pill.
Act Two:
Two old ravers still sitting on a park bench...
The sun is beginning to rise...
Ray:
That was amazing.
Dave:
What?
Ray:
As soon as I popped the White Pill, I fell into the deepest sleep that I have had for decades. And I dreamt I went back and found where I was supposed to be. And she was still there waiting for me. And then we had children. Twenty-three children. And we went to everywhere in the world that I had ever wanted to go and then... Anyway, what happed with the Black Pill?
Dave:
I just sat here all night wide awake. And my head confronting me with all the things I had not achieved in my life. And it was not my father’s fault. Or the systems fault. Or not knowing the right people’s fault. It was all my fault. I had never tried hard enough. Never taken the risks. Never stepped out into the unknown. And all the time this was happening you were providing the soundtrack.
Ray:
Was it banging?
Dave:
No, it was you snoring.
Ray:
Then I say we come back to our bench again tonight. And this time I take the Black Pill and you take the White Pill.
Dave:
Deal...
It can’t be any worse.
The two old ravers, get up from the bench and go their separate ways.
We never learn what their second all nighter turned out to be like.
Some think this was because they both died of heart attacks that afternoon.
Others think it was because they both went and lived their dreams.
Others say it was because The KLF never did exist and it was all because there was a memory fault on the time line of the late 1980s.
KONSUMER TEST REPORT 3:
MONEY MONEY MONEY PILLS PILLS PILLS
Two teenagers are standing in front of a billboard.
The billboard is covered in flyposted posters.
We don’t know where in the world this billboard is.
It might be in South London.
It might be in Kiev.
It might be in Rio De Janeiro.
It might be in Kinshasa.
We don’t know what sex, creed or ethnicity these teenagers are.
All we know is their life lies ahead.
And...
It is the late summer of 2024.
And...
If we could read whatever language these teenagers grew up to read, we would know that...
One poster has the words PILLS PILLS PILLS.
And the other poster has the words MONEY MONEY MONEY.
There is no explanation.
No context.
The two teenagers are looking at the posters.
And for the sake of this telling of this age-old story we will name the teenagers Tat’jana and Kristina.
Tat’jana:
What the fuck?
Kristina:
Yeah...
Tat’jana:
I mean what is the point of fly-posting posters if we don’t know what they are about?
Kristina:
Yeah, and if we don’t know what they are about, who the fuck would?
Tat’jana:
I say they are about us, and we use them for our own ends.
Kristina:
Yeah, I say we form a KREW*...
Tat’jana:
And we make some tracks...
Kristina:
And we release an album...
Tat’jana:
And we call the album MONEY MONEY MONEY PILLS PILLS PILLS.
Kristina:
And we become the most successful KREW to have ever existed.
Tat’jana:
Yeah right...
And the thing is...
They do and they call themselves Rock Man Rave and King Boy Shite.
And they became the most successful KREW that the world of the late 2020s had ever known.
But...
What they never noticed was that taped to the bottom of the posters flyposted to the billboard were two small boxes. And each box contained a small bottle and one bottle contained 23 black pills and the other bottle contained 23 white pills. And that these posters flyposted to the billboard existed to promote the sale of these Black Pills and these White Pills.
*KREW is the somewhat retro term used in the late 2020s to describe the makers of a genre of music that has yet to be defined as a genre of music but might be evolving somewhere on the planet right now.
KONSUMER TEST REPORT 4:
BOW & RAIN GET RICH
Two members of The KLF Re-Enactment Society are messaging each other right now.
These two members of The KLF Re-Enactment Society have never met each other, don’t know where in the world each other live, or even what the real given names of each other might be. Their online names are Bow and Rain.
Bow:
What do you think of these pills that Jimmy and Bill are trying to flog us now?
Rain:
Yeah, and the fact that they are supposed to contain grains of dust from their million quid brick.
Bow:
Yeah, I mean...
Rain:
Yeah, I mean, I have bought a box of each of them but...
Bow:
Of course, I have a copy of everything they have ever done.
Rain:
Everything?
Bow:
Well almost everything. I didn’t get the Jimmy Saville remix of What Time is Love?
Rain:
What?
Bow:
I’m only joking, but...
Rain:
And they haven’t even signed the boxes, so how do we know they are real.
Bow:
I say as paid-up members of The KLF Re-Enactment Society that we manufacture identical boxes, bottles and pills. But our pills will contain the ashes of real hard-earned money that we have burnt ourselves.
Rain:
Deal...
And Bow and Rain do.
They also make a TikTok clip to go with it.
Their TikTok clip goes globally viral.
They sign each box themselves as Rockman Rock and King Boy D.
They sell millions of dollars / euros / pounds worth of their Black & White Pills.
No one...
Or hardly no one ever bought the original ones.
But The Peoples Pyramid is still being built.
So it goes...